Saturday, July 19, 2008

Atrocious Attacks

Question: What was the second biggest cause of death amongst British soldiers in World War One?

Answer: Ticks.

Okay, I might have made that up, but I know it did cause a far higher number of deaths than expected. Soldiers commited suicide from the sheer annoyingness of the infuriating, irritating, blasted things.

Why this topic all of a sudden?
I have been bitten. On the souls of my feet, on my toes, on my fingers, on my ear, on my armpit, in places that few humans, let alone insects should see.
Now, some of this happened on holiday in Florence. But that's okay; it's one of the expected damages of going on holiday. When people ask me about the unattractive red blotches (and oh, they are red and blotchy) forming complex constellations on my legs, I can tell them 'Oh, they must be from Florence, darling', with that wonderful 'I've just been on holiday' look of superiority. You've got to make the most of it before your supposedly in-awe friend replies with 'Oh yes, they were awful in Barbados too, but my skin's just too good to attract them'.

Anyway, holidays aside, I have also been bitten in Oxford. I don't know quite when or where it happened, but the suspects are:
- University Parks while eating ice cream
- Town while trying to get into Sainsburys
- The canal while jogging
- Cornmarket Street while listening to Duelling Banjos
- Iffley while at a barbecue

All perfectly reasonable ways to spend a summer evening or weekend, and all now activities of high suspicion.

I'll keep you updated on my investigations, but watch out for these notorious gangs which swarm the streets in the evening, attacking indiscriminately and viciously, with long-lasting effects...

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